5 Holiday Sex Positions to Jingle Your Bells
It’s the most wonderful time of the year: you’re off from work, there are free baked goods everywhere, and people are socially obligated to buy you things – but sadly all that shopping and planning can sometimes leave little time for holiday sex. We’d hate to see your sex life become as monotonous as a Charlie Brown Christmas Special marathon, so we’re here to help. Check out these holiday-inspired sex positions we dreamed up just for you. Hey, don’t say we never gave you anything.
1. Deck the Balls. Old Saint Nick shouldn’t be the only one who gets a midnight snack in your house this year. For this move, gentlemen, head over to the kitchen and make use of your holiday leftovers. Coat your balls by dipping them in eggnog and decorating them with some red and green sprinkles. Head over to the bedroom to present your partner with a festive treat that’s just as hard as a store-bought fruitcake, but twice as delicious. They get a second helping of dessert, and you get an orgasm. It’s a win-win! Of course, you could always look at this as an appetizer to ignite an appetite for even more fun.
2. Secret Santa. If you’ve been following our posts on bondage techniques, you already know a little something about blindfolds. This holiday, have your own private gift exchange after everyone else has gone to bed. Our Sportsheets Sexy Slave Kit and Lelo Soraya vibe are just the tools you’ll need for this fun and festive surprise. Bind your partner with wrist and ankle restraints and use the kit’s blindfold to create an air of mystery. Tease your partner with the kit’s feather tickler and use the Lelo Soraya to bring her to orgasm. While she’s distracted, secretly don a Santa mask and hat. After she orgasms, remove the blindfold and yell, “Surprise, you just got screwed by Santa!”
3. Trimming the Tree. We’re heading back to the kitchen again. You’ll need your holiday-themed cookie cutters for this holiday sex move. To start, you and your partner must choose your favorite shapes or symbol for each other. Your partner places your chosen shape right above your private cookie jar and uses a lip liner pencil to outline. Then shave around your shape to give your tree that festive touch. Don’t forget to take turns eating each other’s cookies! Will you be a snowman or a snowflake this year? Only the two of you will be in on the secret. (Bonus points for whoever makes mention of their special symbol more times during boring holiday dinners.
4. The Stocking Stuffer. This move is more of a game than a position. To pull it off, you’ll need two pairs of sexy stockings, two Lelo Lyla wireless vibrators, and a killer poker face. Place the Lelo either internally or externally and slip into your stockings to keep it in place. After you get fully dressed, exchange controllers with your partner and head out to a busy holiday get together. Spend the night sending special signals to your partner with the wireless controller in your pocket. Just make sure you know where the coat closet is, because you’ll be searching for it soon.
5. O Cum, O Cum, Emanuel. This one is by far the hardest to pull off, but if you do, you’ll be a bigger Christmas legend than Santa himself. You will need: a sexy stud named Emmanuel, a spacious walk-in closet and an incredibly progressive gospel choir. Have your manly Manny face your closet while you work him from behind. When he lets you know he’s about to orgasm, yell “Now!” The closet doors will spring open with the gospel choir belting out the chorus to that famous carol: “O Cum, O Cum, Emanuel!” You may ruin his orgasm and your relationship, but legends never die.
By now we’ve probably ruined enough holiday phrases for you that you’ll find yourself giggling inappropriately at least once this season. Hey, what can we say? When it comes to holiday advice, we’re not the website for exchanging casserole recipes. Let us know if you try out any of these holiday sex moves this year. Better yet, try them all and send us a red and green bar graph rating your orgasm for each. Also feel free to let us know if you know anyone named Emmanuel who looks like he has a good sense of humor. It is the season for sharing, after all.