That's what I call a toy box!

1. Revamp your toy box. It’s time to give that grown-up Erector Set a much needed upgrade. So if you’re still using the dildo you bought the day you turned 18, trade up to a Lelo Soraya. You’ll be amazed at what a new motor and a variety of vibes can do for your sex life. And don’t stop there – your Fleshlight seems like it’s seen better days too. As a matter of fact, are their any toys in your bedroom that don’t look like they survived the Reagan era? When you’re using toys that are older than your relationship, it’s no wonder you’re getting bored. This year, resolve to up your game by upgrading your toys.

2. Schedule weekly romance. Maybe you and your partner work different schedules. Maybe you’re both so stressed that when you do have free time you just spend it inside on the couch. The magic of a relationship can fade for a variety of reasons, but if your idea of romance is sharing a Snuggie while watching “The Bachelor,” it’s time to reevaluate. This year, resolve to make time for romance. Schedule a day every week for just the two of you. Try going on your first date all over again, or go and have dinner at that new French bistro in town. Whatever you do, take time to reconnect. When you do, you’ll unwind and form an even deeper bond. That connection will follow you into the bedroom, where you’ll find the spark you thought you’d lost. Trust us, this is one resolution that will pay off for both your relationship and your sex life.

Sexy workout outfits are optional, but recommended.

3. Remember to sexercise. Okay, so you used your gym membership once in January and never went back. Maybe the problem wasn’t the workout – maybe it was your drive. Yeah, fantasizing about rock-hard abs might be enough to get some people through that door every week, but we suggest something else: try motivating yourself with sex. The right exercises can really up your stamina and skills (and we aren’t just talking about kegels, ladies). Ask yourself this: which muscles give out on you right when you need them the most? Make a resolution to build up those muscles through weight training, then watch as your sex life improves. For most people, the target muscles would include the glutes, the quads and all the muscles in the trunk. But hey, you could be pulling some crazy moves for all we know, so do what’s best for you. Not only will you perform better, but you’ll also look even hotter in those homemade sex videos. Bonus!

4. Shake up your routine. Déjà vu doesn’t belong in the bedroom. If you have trouble telling your last five or so romps apart, you could be the victim of a scripted sex life. Try this: resolve to add some variety to your sex life in 2012. This doesn’t mean you have to buy a cheerleader’s uniform or adopt some weird fetish involving corned beef hash. It just means you have to challenge yourself to think a bit outside the box. An easy way to add variety is to have sex in a room you’ve never gotten dirty in before. If you or your partner has a private office, you could even take your show on the road. What about new positions? In a recent post, we taught you five Kama Sutra poses that even the least-flexible among us can try, so you can always start there. Or you could take the Lelo Soraya that you usually keep all to yourself and bring your partner in on the fun. Whether you try one of these ideas or all of them, you’ll definitely ditch your dull routine.

Everyone loves a good dick pic.

5. Talk dirty. Talk more. This resolution isn’t just about issuing naughty commands while having sex, although nothing says that can’t be part of it. It’s about establishing a sexual dialogue with your partner (or partners) that’s clear and consistent. Does your partner call you a pet name in the heat of the moment that you just can’t stand? Do you have a secret fantasy you’ve been dying to act out? Whatever’s on your mind, if you can find a way to express your feelings tactfully and honestly, your sex life can only improve as a result. After you’ve opened the lines of communication, have some fun. Send your partner a “thinking of you” text that gives them something steamy to imagine in the middle of a long work day. Send an email detailing what you plan to do to them when they get home. By the time you see each other, you’ll be worked up and ready to play. Its a fun and easy way to improve your sex life and create an even deeper bond.

Look, no one’s saying they don’t believe in you, but there is a reason why you own five dusty workout machines, right? Most people don’t stick to their New Year’s resolutions because the ones they choose are, well – pretty boring. Give yourself a fighting chance this year by swapping out the same old promises for something that will improve your sex life. Trust us, when you’re having sex that’s better than ever, all your less-than-perfect habits will seem much less important anyway. 

Nothing like a little light reading before bed.

1. Clasp On, Clasp Off. Here’s a Kama Sutra position that you can enjoy even if you consistently failed the Presidential Fitness Test back in grade school. In the “clasping position,” one partner lies directly on top of the other with their legs straight and pressed together. After penetrating their partner, the “top” rocks up and down gently. This is one of the more intimate Kama Sutra sex positions, as it allows partners to kiss, caress and stare lovingly into each other’s eyes. It’s also been said that putting the legs in this pose can really tighten things up (if you know what we mean). Although this position is traditionally depicted with a man on top and a woman on bottom, you can always switch roles or adapt the move to meet your needs. Actually, that goes for most of these sex positions.

2. Feeling Hard-Pressed. This position comes in two flavors, the “pressed position” and the “half-pressed position.” Don’t let the name scare you away – all the pressure applied here will be pleasurable. But to avoid the need for chiropractic care, try the half-pressed position first. This pose is similar to the clasping position, but instead of keeping both legs straight, the partner on the bottom raises one leg and rests it on their lover’s shoulder. In the full pressed position, they raise both legs. The change in angle will give each partner a new sensation, but you don’t need a diagram to enjoy this easy sex move.

High five for a job well done!

3. The Land of Milk and Water. Looking for a way to fill that annoying gap between Desperate Housewives and Pan Am? With this Kama Sutra position, you don’t even need to leave the La-Z-Boy. The “milk and water position” requires one partner to sit in a chair with their legs spread apart while the other partner sits in their lap, facing away. This allows the bottom partner easy access to their lover’s erogenous zones. Start out with some foreplay. You can even bring your Lelo Soraya in on the action if you like. When you’re ready for penetration, have the top partner bounce up and down for added oomph. You’ll experience some serious orgasms, no warmup stretches required.

4. A Tiger in the Bedroom. The “tigress” Kama Sutra pose might already be familiar to you. It’s very similar to the “reverse cowgirl,” one of those positions that Cosmo constantly renames in an attempt to convince readers that their editors have just “uncovered” it (as if sex positions can be unearthed like ancient Mayan relics). For this move, one partner straddles the other, facing away. As they lower themselves to the point of penetration, the partner on top reaches back to rest a palm on their lover’s chest. This lets the top partner control the depth of the penetration as well as how quickly they move. Their companion gets to lie back and enjoy the ride. 

Let's save this move for the professionals.

5. Wide Open Spaces. The “widely opened” position allows less-flexible lovers to experience the Kama Sutra without the fear of ending up in traction. In this pose, one partner lies on their back while the other kneels, facing them. The bottom partner wraps their legs around the other person, arching their back and pushing upwards with their hips. Women love to be on the bottom for this easy sex position because the angle guarantees maximum pleasure, and in all the right spots. It also leaves room for clitoral access, so who’s to say you can’t incorporate your Lelo Soraya into this position too? Vātsyāyana, the original author of the Kama Sutra, didn’t have the option of using a vibe or dildo in 400 BCE, but we’re pretty sure that if he were around today, he’d be into it.

The truth is, you don’t need to be some type of sexual spider monkey to enjoy the Kama Sutra. Even those who aren’t exactly loose-limbed can expand their repertoire of sex positions with these easy moves. So what are you waiting for? Roll back the sheets, light some candles and get ready to expand your erotic horizons. But you know, it wouldn’t hurt to stretch first. Just in case.

I think we just discovered the hidden meaning behind Big Pun's hit single.

1. I’m not a player, I just crush a lot. Crushing: it’s not just something 12-year-old girls do when they talk about Justin Bieber. A crush fetishist is a person who gets aroused by watching someone literally crush things with their feet. Sex videos of crushing will show objects from birthday cakes to giant beetles being squished without mercy. Unfortunately, some people take it way, way too far. Believe it or not, the the Animal Crush Video Prohibition Act is a real thing, and President Obama signed it. (Feel free to use this fact to spice up boring political conversations.)

2. Now that’s what I call a “stable” relationship. Caution: after learning about this fetish, you may never be able to look at My Little Ponies the same way again. Ponyplay is a subset of bondage culture based around role playing. Practicers of ponyplay are basically humans who pretend to be ponies. As far as fetishes are concerned, this one is pretty involved. There are special harnesses, bridles, saddles and even boots that replicate hooves. There are also training techniques and a variety of roles to play. Some ponyboys and ponygirls pull carts, some give rides and some compete in shows. Of course, someone has to train and groom these ponies too. The expert we consulted on the matter took so long to explain the details that he even got a little hoarse.

Steampunk polar bear not included.

3. Oh baby! Oh baby! Do you ever wish you could return to a simpler time? Back when you didn’t have to go to work, didn’t have to pay bills, didn’t have to feed yourself or use a toilet … Oh sorry, did we lose you there? If you’re perfectly fine with wiping your own behind, infantilism might not be the fetish for you. Infantilists, or adult babies, are exactly what they sound like – grown adults who enjoy role playing as infants. Serious adult babies require caregivers, extra-high high chairs and a large assortment of giant onesies. As far as role playing fetishes go, this one’s actually pretty tame. In fact, many adult babies claim there’s no sexual aspect to the practice at all, just a need to unwind and feel nurtured.

4. The other other white meat. Have you ever fantasized about having a sexy guy or gal over for dinner – literally? Or would you rather be the main course yourself? That’s the big idea behind vorarephila (or “vore” for short). Vorarephilliacs get turned on by the idea of eating alive, or being eaten alive by, another human. Unlike most fetishes, this one obviously can’t be carried out (unless you’re a character on American Horror Story). For that reason, practitioners of vore have to resort to erotica, pictures, sex videos or games that simulate the experience. Fans of vore often practice other fetishes as well, such as bondage or macrophilia (a sexual fascination with giants). If you’ve always gotten turned on by the story of Little Red Riding Hood, maybe this is the fetish for you. Of course, intimate pictures of the Jolly Green Giant seem a little more reasonable. That’s a sentence we never suspected we’d utter.

I really, really love lamp.

5. The object of your desire. In our materialistic society, it’s easy to get a little emotional over objects. From a vintage Ford Mustang to the newest iPad, almost every one of us has an item we go gaga over. Objectum sexuality (or “OS”) takes that feeling a step further. Practicers of OS have actual relationships with objects, believing that they share a romantic connection much like two humans do. These objects can range from the small (like a fence post) to the enormous (like the Golden Gate Bridge). Although some objectum sexuals have human relationships, most consider the connections they have with objects to be their primary partnership. One of the most famous members of OS culture even married the Eiffel Tower. That’s a pretty big commitment to make to a partner that lets thousands of Frenchmen inside of them every day. Perhaps we’ve found a new spokeswoman for Paris Intimates?

Although these are some of the weirdest fetishes out there, they’re just the tip of the iceberg. We didn’t even have time to talk about mudlarking or splooshing – we’ll save those for another day. Maybe all this talk of men in diapers and role playing ponies has sent you running back to your vanilla love life. Maybe it’s turned you on. Hey, we don’t judge. Just remember to stop back and share your experiences in a comment below. In the world of fetishes, there truly is something for everyone.

Can you be a doll and give me a ride?

10. A Flood of Embarrassment. In January, severe storms caused serious flooding in Australia. Many citizens were caught off guard, including one teenage couple who made sex news headlines with their foxy flotation device. It turns out that blow-up dolls make better gag gifts than life rafts. The two were rescued, but not before journalists immortalized their great escape on film.

9. News That Sucks. In Conway, Arkansas, police received two complaints in a single week about a man they’re calling the Toe-Sucking Bandit. The first call came from an 83-year-old woman, who was reclining on her porch when the man approached. He complimented her feet, yanked off her shoe and began sucking her toes. Days later, a young woman in a grocery store reported being harassed by a man who complimented her “long succulent toes.” The strange sex news had women from Conway to Little Rock opting out of open-toed shoes and boasting boots instead.

8. A Fatal Blow to the Head. Kasia Rivera of New Jersey is facing manslaughter charges for botched penile injections that led to one man’s death. As part of her off-the-books medical practice, Rivera injected silicone into a young man’s penis. The man died from silicone embolism one day later – a steep price to pay for a spot on 2011′s strange sex story hall of fame.

7. Meanwhile, at the Boneyard … A 39-year-old woman made sex news headlines after a romp in the cemetery landed her in the ER. The woman was getting down and dirty in the graveyard when a tombstone toppled and landed on her leg. The owners of Ahavath Israel Cemetery in New Jersey decided not to press charges, much to the relief of the woman. She’d had enough to deal with without having to pay a stiff fine.

"Well, she started it."

6. Don’t Mess With a Girl Who’s “Strapped.” One Florida woman faced felony charges in August after she tried to lay the smackdown with a strap-on. Police responded to a domestic dispute when Tamara Cadet accused Jantavia Taylor of chasing her with a knife. Further investigation revealed that the weapon of choice was not a knife, but a “female sex toy” that Taylor chucked at her girlfriend as she fled the house. Luckily, no one was injured, and no Lelo Soraya  toys were harmed in the making of this weird sex story.

5. Putting the Cum in Cum Laude. Austrians gave the term “oral exam” a new meaning in 2011 when they opened the International Sex School in Vienna. One semester at the school costs £1,400, but the lessons pupils learn (and the memories they make in their co-ed dorm rooms) will last a lifetime. No word yet on whether the school offers skill-based scholarships, but there’s no harm in practicing just in case.

4. Whipping Up a FAPpuccino. For many people, 2011 was about setting goals and making dreams come true. For one New Yorker, that dream was to masturbate in every single Starbucks in New York City (298 in total). The man, who called himself Mr. PeePee, even documented his solo sessions and rated them on a blog and podcast. The public, largely unimpressed with this strange sex fetish, were mostly just disturbed to discover that there are that many Starbucks in NYC.

3. More Than He Could Bear. A Cleveland man was found dead in a rather compromising position in July of 2011. Sam Mazzola, 49, was discovered chained to his waterbed, covered in chains and padlocks and wearing a leather bondage mask. Mazzola died from choking to death on a sex toy. A year prior, he’d made headlines when one of his pet bears mauled and killed a local woman. Clearly, he wasn’t a big fan of safety manuals.

2. Toys For Twats. This strange sex story has a charitable twist. A Houston-based escort named Shelby went by the name “Santa’s Little Helper” this season when she offered a one-of-a-kind deal to potential Johns. Any “client” who brought an unwrapped present to donate to Toys for Tots got a special BOGO deal – buy one hour, get a half hour free. Now that’s what we call a hooker with a heart of gold.

The coolest people alive. Period.

1. Pretty Fly for a White Guy. When bald eagles mate, they fly thousands of feet in the air, lock talons and copulate as they plummet towards the ground. When humans try to do the same, they land themselves in first place for the weird sex news stories of 2011. Skydiving instructor Alex Torres and his partner Hope Howell may have lost their jobs for their decision to make a skydiving sex tape, but do you really think they care? They had sex while jumping out of an airplane. If you ask us, they’re all-American heroes.

It’s sure been a wild year for sex. Human beings are nothing if not inventive, and when they apply that capacity for innovation to their love lives, it’s no wonder we end up with so many strange sex news stories. If all of these weird sex headlines happened in only one year, what can we expect from 2012? Only time will tell. Until then, rest assured that even if your love life seems a little “out there,” there’s always someone who’s got you beat.

When your wife asked you to "take a crack at shoveling the walk" this is not what she had in mind

1. Truth or bare. Strip poker is one of the most well-known sexy games of all time, so there’s no need to explain how this game starts. Actually, no, that’s not correct – men might need some help getting the ball rolling. Guys, gather a group of snowbunnies and play a few hands of regular cards together. Provide cocktails. At the right moment, raise the stakes by saying something like “You know what’s more fun? Strip poker.” Tease any noncompliant snowbunnies by challenging their manhood. When there are no articles of clothing left, switch up your strategy and begin an all-nude round of truth or dare. Take turns challenging each other with provocative questions and dares. Anyone who refuses to comply has to “bare all” to old Jack Frost (say, by crafting a snow angel or running to the mailbox in the buff). Have fun, but be careful. Your neighbors are likely snowed in too, so you may want to think twice before jingling your bells up and down the cul-de-sac.

2. Tied up treat. Instead of chowing down on holiday leftovers in front of the TV, why not use those tasty treats to whet your appetite for holiday sex? Remember all those bondage techniques we taught you? Now’s the time to put your skills to use. Grab a partner (or partners) and then take turns blindfolding and feeding each other samples of the holiday fare. You can even use your box of holiday chocolates to play a sweet and spicy guessing game. Have your blindfolded partner guess the contents of each treat by smell alone. Award yourselves with something sinful for every correct guess and offer up a pleasing punishment for every mistake. After some teasing and spanking, don’t be surprised if you find yourselves rolling around and covered in fruitcake.

deathtrap or sexual wonderland?

3. Ice ice baby. The icicles hanging from your porch can do so much more than threaten to impale you as you step out to fetch the mail. Snap off an icy spike and bring it inside to play some sexy games. Bind your partner and trace the icicle gently over his or her body to tease and tantalize. Using a warming lube is a great way to give some special spots an alternating taste of hot and cold. If you really want to get your partner worked up, bring your Lelo Soraya into the action and turn up the heat with some good vibrations. When your partner’s to the point where they can’t take anymore, untie them so they can repay you with some hot holiday sex.

4. Roll the dice. Forget Angry Birds. There’s a whole host of iPhone apps to rescue yourselves from a boring, snowy day on the sofa. Download Love Dice or any of a number of sexy games from the iTunes store to rekindle dwindling passions or warm up to someone new. The giddy uncertainty of these adult games will remind you of the first time you played spin the bottle. Show off all the moves you didn’t have at your first coed sleepover. Maybe you’ll even learn something new. You never know what the dice will decide!

the things we can make sexy astound even us

5. Snowsuit strip. Remember being forced as a child to don seven layers of snow gear before running outside to enjoy a snow day? It’s time to relive that memory, but with a sexy new twist. For this game, you and your partner put on as many layers of winter wear as you can manage. Once you’re decked out from cap to snow boots, race to see who can get naked first. Battle it out to see who gets “serviced” before the other, or even play for dibs on your favorite toy like the Lelo Soraya. One thing’s for sure – you’ll have some spicy memories to keep you warm the next time you need to really bundle up. Just try not to smile creepily as you shovel the sidewalk, okay?

Unlike a three-hour Monopoly marathon, with sexy games everybody wins. So the next time you wake up to find your car buried in a snowdrift, don’t get upset. Remember that long-ago view through your frosted bedroom window. See if you can’t recapture that same spirit once again. You always knew how to be both naughty and nice, but now that you’re older, the games are a lot more fun. Happy Holidays from Paris Intimates!

The Myths

1. You can get HIV or AIDS from causal contact. This is perhaps one of the most widely believed myths about HIV and AIDS, but the virus can only be transmitted through semen, vaginal fluid, blood or breast milk. So kissing someone with AIDS, hugging someone with HIV, sharing a drink with someone who has the virus – none of these forms of causal contact put you at risk.

2. There’s a cure. Many victims of the virus are so desperate to get healthy that they fall prey to con artists who offer them a cure. In choosing alternative therapies, some patients forgo traditional treatments and can even make themselves sicker as a result. Researchers are getting closer to finding a cure every day, but until they do, victims of the virus shouldn’t trust alternative therapies.

3. Only gay men and drug users get aids. It’s this myth about HIV that causes so many people to write off the idea of safe sex, putting them at great risk for exposure. The HIV virus doesn’t care about your age, your race or your sexual preference. If a virus can get into another host, it will – that’s all it does, and that’s why it’s here. There’s no specific group of people that get HIV and AIDS, and your social or sexual identity doesn’t make you immune.

4. Mosquitoes can infect you. Even in areas where mosquitoes swarm and AIDS is common, this myth about HIV and AIDS is simply untrue. People fear that because the virus is spread through the blood, blood-sucking insects can act as carriers and infect people through a bite. However, there is no scientific evidence that suggests that insects like mosquitoes can infect humans with the virus through a bite.

5. You can tell if a person is HIV positive. The only way to know that you or your partner don’t have HIV or AIDS is to get tested often. Individuals can have the virus and not show symptoms for a very long time, even though the virus is active and contagious. Never assume you can tell that a potential partner is negative, and always practice safe sex to protect yourself.

6. If you’re both positive, there’s no need for protection. Even if two partners are both HIV positive, they should still use protection and practice safe sex. Why? Because by not practicing safe sex, they risk exposing each other to new and potentially treatment-resistant strains of the virus.

7. Seniors don’t have to worry about HIV. This common myth about HIV is the reason seniors are one of the fastest growing groups of people infected with HIV. Seniors assume that since they can’t get pregnant, there’s no need for protection. But when seniors don’t use condoms, they make themselves even more susceptible to this sexually transmitted disease.

8. You can’t get HIV from oral sex. Although the risk of infection is lower than with anal or vaginal sex, if you have oral sex with someone who is HIV positive, it is possible that you can contract the disease. To protect yourself, practice safe oral sex. Use a condom or latex barrier.

9. Women with HIV can’t have children. Although late-stage AIDS patients can become infertile or risk miscarriage, women with HIV and AIDS can still have children. If proper medical procedures are followed (delivering via C-section, abstaining from breastfeeding and administering certain drugs to the mother and child, for example) then the risk of the child becoming HIV-positive drops to as little as two or three percent.

10. HIV does not cause AIDS. Some believe that the span of time between HIV infection and the appearance of AIDS is reason to believe that one does not cause the other. Others cite symptoms similar to other diseases and claim that the causes of AIDS lie elsewhere. Similar to myths about HIV cures, this myth is responsible for stopping many who are infected from receiving proper treatment. Although this myth isn’t as widely accepted as some of the others, its propagation can be just as harmful.

The war on AIDS needs to be fought with knowledge, not just medicine. Like any sexually transmitted disease, AIDS is preventable. The more we understand about this deadly disease – and the more easily we are able to separate fact from fiction – the easier that fight will be. Observe National AIDS Awareness Month by sharing this list with your friends and family and helping to spread the truth about HIV and AIDS.

Tim does not approve, but Al seems kind of into it.

Saw VI – The Director’s Cut. Although it seems like a scene from a horror movie, one Maryland couple says it “seemed like a good idea at the time.” In 2009, a Maryland woman was airlifted to the hospital after her boyfriend decided to go all Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor on her special cabinet. When most couples grow tired of their dildos, they usually choose to upgrade to a high-quality model like the Lelo Soraya. This couple decided to MacGyver themselves a high-powered toy instead. The woman was wounded after a power saw that had been attached to her dildo cut through her toy to do some downstairs remodeling of its own. The woman’s injuries were severe, but luckily she made a full recovery and was released from the hospital later that week.

Bums Away. If this list of weirdest sex injuries were to include every person who’s ever gotten a mystery item stuck in their back door, it would look a lot less like a blog entry and a lot more like a novel. There’s a reason why toys designed for anal pleasure include wide bases or rings – because powerful rectal muscles can contract upon orgasm. One minute, you’re going to town with your favorite matchbox car. The next moment it’s up, up, and away!  Other notable bum blockers include: wine bottles, tree branches, zucchinis, neon light bulbs and even a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth’s syrup. If you ask us, these sex injuries could have easily been avoided by playing with a Lelo Oden instead – it boasts 50 times the pleasure of your standard vegetable at only one fifth the price of the average X-ray.

Not for use on private carpets.

The Hoover Damn. If you catch your man Hoovering in the nude, you may want to plan an intervention before it’s too late. Yes, pristine bedroom carpeting can tempt you to turn a blind eye to this exceedingly odd behavior, but unless you make a move now, you’re man’s manhood might get mangled. Because although 90% of men treated for vacuum-related penile lacerations report that they were “just cleaning,” 100% of hospitals report that men are terrible liars. Yeah, that Hoover’s siren song can be sweet, but the truth is that sometimes machine love hurts. Tiny blades inside vacuums meant to chop up dust bunnies can do impressive damage to a curious man’s member. If you’ve seen your man making eyes at the Orek, you might want to pawn the thing – the appliance, not your man – and surprise him with a Fleshlight instead.  Well, okay. Maybe just pawn your man too.

The Kiss of Deaf. One of the weirdest sex injuries happened to a couple before they even made it past foreplay. During a particularly hot kiss, a Chinese woman lost her hearing. As Dr Li, the woman’s ear specialist, told the China Daily newspaper, “In this case, the kiss reduced the pressure in the mouth, pulled the eardrum out and caused the breakdown of the ear.” It sounds like a hefty price to pay just for a smooch. The woman made a recovery after several months, but for a while, her man’s pleas for forgiveness fell on deaf ears.

Don't try this at home- especially if you have large windows.

Wii Play – and Play, and Play. UK native Amanda Flowers brought a new meaning to the term “Wii Play” with her bizarre gaming-induced sex injuries. It’s fairly common for Nintendo Wii users to incur bodily harm, but Flowers suffered from more than just a strained tendon or a bruised bone. After falling from the Wii platform, Flowers injured a nerve, which induced a constant state of arousal. The disorder is called “persistent sexual arousal syndrome,” and for Flowers, even minor vibrations (like those produced by cell phones) can trigger an orgasm. To some of us, this may seem like a windfall. But just think about trying to sit through a funeral. Imagine breaking up with your boyfriend. You can see why doctors call it a disorder and not a super power.

There are so many ways to have sex, and there are just as many ways to get hurt doing it. While owning a quality toy (like the Lelo Soraya) can go a long way towards preventing weird sex injuries, those with even the purest of intentions can fall prey to bizarre accidents. Our little list of weird sex injuries should give you pause the next time you’re undressing that Orek with your eyes. Before you let your curiosity get the best of you, treat yourself to something that will end your day with an orgasm, not a trip to the emergency room.