He's been a naughty, naughty boy...

Geniuses aren’t always saints. Yes, upstairs they may have what it takes to communicate the most delicate emotions using only 12 little tones, or to figure out that time passes at different rates depending on an observer’s relative velocity. Downstairs, though? Don’t even ask. Below are five geniuses whose sex lives – and the sex tips they inherently suggest – are just not fit for the Physical Review. Or the Journal of Zoology, or Ploughshares. Or anywhere.

1. Jean-Jacques Rousseau, author of The Social Contract

As a philosopher, Rousseau was concerned with political liberty. But as a lover, his politics were slightly medieval. Long before the advent of the bondage sex toy, Rousseau marveled at how he came to love being spanked:

“Who would believe this childish discipline, received at eight-years old, from the hands of a woman of 30, should influence my propensities, my desires, my passions, for the rest of my life, and that in quite a contrary sense from what might naturally have been expected?”

In Rousseau’s day, practicing bondage could get you tied up and whipped, which makes the revelation above (published during his lifetime) all the more startling. Today, Rousseau is considered to be the first known spankophile, a person who is sexually aroused by spanking.

2. The Marquis de Sade, Author of The 120 Days of Sodom

There's also a band from the 70s called Marguis de Sade. Bet they didn't get laid as much.

In his own time, the Marquis de Sade didn’t just dabble in the perverse – he defined it. In one infamous incident, he inserted communion wafers into a woman’s vagina, had sex with her, made her whip him with a cat o’ nine tails (a serious bondage sex toy), masturbated and then forced her to speak profanities at swordpoint. Following his arrest for these deeds, his reputation took a dive.

“Sex is as important as eating or drinking and we ought to allow the one appetite to be satisfied with as little restraint or false modesty as the other,” he wrote.

At least he practiced what he preached.

3. James Joyce, Author of Ulysses

He may have been a little long winded...

A master of modernist prose, Joyce was known for his introversion and quiescence. (Ever see the movie Nora? Remember how exciting it was when that leaf blew across the sidewalk?) But in the bedroom, he wanted flatulence, not quietude. In a letter to his wife, Joyce wrote:

“You had an arse full of farts that night, darling, and I f–– them out of you, big fat fellows, long windy ones, quick little merry cracks and a lot of tiny little naughty farties ending in a long gush from your hole.”

Someone should have introduced him to toys sex, particularly the butt plug.

4. Benjamin Franklin, Founding Father and Inventor of Everything

Unlike most men, Benjamin Franklin’s ideal woman was post-menopausal and matronly. His passion for spinsters was so entrenched that old women, he declared (and especially unattractive ones), were preferable to young women, whom he thought might ruin a man.

With characteristic aplomb, Franklin reasoned that “regarding only what is below the girdle, it is impossible of two woman to know an old one from a young one.”

To his credit, he was never undone by a young lady, or left dissatisfied by an old one.

The original scatman.

5. Mozart, Composer of Piano Concerto No. 24 in C Minor

A genius that could write music as fluently as mere mortals speak, Mozart also had a raunchy side, not all of which was portrayed in “Amadeus,” the famous movie about his life. Based on his letters to his cousin and mother, Mozart had more than a scant interest in scatology.

To his cousin, he wrote that to “s–– on her nose” and have it “dribble down her chin” would be something worth watching. To his mother, he was more playful, but not more genteel, ending one of his letters with “I now wish you goodnight, s–– in your bed with all your might, sleep with peace on your mind and try to kiss your own behind.”

In 1782, Mozart composed a work entitled “Leck mich im Arsch” (“Lick me in the arse”). Though not as profound as his Piano Concerto No. 24 in C Minor, it still strikes a chord with rim-job lovers everywhere.

Throughout history, the subjects of toys sex, sex tips and sex itself have often been avoided, and for good reason. Depending on when and where you lived and what you did for kicks, your sex life could get you into trouble. In spite of this, the geniuses above pleasured themselves freely. Their works of flatulence, whipping, scat and spanking are not quite as well known as their most important material…

But the Internet had yet to be invented.