The Top 5 Weirdest Sex Injuries
It’s human nature to try to go boldly where no man has gone before. Our species has a lust for adventure and innovation that has led us to explore the deepest oceans on the planet and even walk on the moon. Unfortunately, when we take that enterprising spirit into the bedroom, things don’t always work out so well. The people below thought their bright ideas would earn them a gold medal in sex. Instead, those ideas landed them in the weirdest sex injuries hall of fame.
Saw VI – The Director’s Cut. Although it seems like a scene from a horror movie, one Maryland couple says it “seemed like a good idea at the time.” In 2009, a Maryland woman was airlifted to the hospital after her boyfriend decided to go all Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor on her special cabinet. When most couples grow tired of their dildos, they usually choose to upgrade to a high-quality model like the Lelo Soraya. This couple decided to MacGyver themselves a high-powered toy instead. The woman was wounded after a power saw that had been attached to her dildo cut through her toy to do some downstairs remodeling of its own. The woman’s injuries were severe, but luckily she made a full recovery and was released from the hospital later that week.
Bums Away. If this list of weirdest sex injuries were to include every person who’s ever gotten a mystery item stuck in their back door, it would look a lot less like a blog entry and a lot more like a novel. There’s a reason why toys designed for anal pleasure include wide bases or rings – because powerful rectal muscles can contract upon orgasm. One minute, you’re going to town with your favorite matchbox car. The next moment it’s up, up, and away! Other notable bum blockers include: wine bottles, tree branches, zucchinis, neon light bulbs and even a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth’s syrup. If you ask us, these sex injuries could have easily been avoided by playing with a Lelo Oden instead – it boasts 50 times the pleasure of your standard vegetable at only one fifth the price of the average X-ray.
The Hoover Damn. If you catch your man Hoovering in the nude, you may want to plan an intervention before it’s too late. Yes, pristine bedroom carpeting can tempt you to turn a blind eye to this exceedingly odd behavior, but unless you make a move now, you’re man’s manhood might get mangled. Because although 90% of men treated for vacuum-related penile lacerations report that they were “just cleaning,” 100% of hospitals report that men are terrible liars. Yeah, that Hoover’s siren song can be sweet, but the truth is that sometimes machine love hurts. Tiny blades inside vacuums meant to chop up dust bunnies can do impressive damage to a curious man’s member. If you’ve seen your man making eyes at the Orek, you might want to pawn the thing – the appliance, not your man – and surprise him with a Fleshlight instead. Well, okay. Maybe just pawn your man too.
The Kiss of Deaf. One of the weirdest sex injuries happened to a couple before they even made it past foreplay. During a particularly hot kiss, a Chinese woman lost her hearing. As Dr Li, the woman’s ear specialist, told the China Daily newspaper, “In this case, the kiss reduced the pressure in the mouth, pulled the eardrum out and caused the breakdown of the ear.” It sounds like a hefty price to pay just for a smooch. The woman made a recovery after several months, but for a while, her man’s pleas for forgiveness fell on deaf ears.
Wii Play – and Play, and Play. UK native Amanda Flowers brought a new meaning to the term “Wii Play” with her bizarre gaming-induced sex injuries. It’s fairly common for Nintendo Wii users to incur bodily harm, but Flowers suffered from more than just a strained tendon or a bruised bone. After falling from the Wii platform, Flowers injured a nerve, which induced a constant state of arousal. The disorder is called “persistent sexual arousal syndrome,” and for Flowers, even minor vibrations (like those produced by cell phones) can trigger an orgasm. To some of us, this may seem like a windfall. But just think about trying to sit through a funeral. Imagine breaking up with your boyfriend. You can see why doctors call it a disorder and not a super power.
There are so many ways to have sex, and there are just as many ways to get hurt doing it. While owning a quality toy (like the Lelo Soraya) can go a long way towards preventing weird sex injuries, those with even the purest of intentions can fall prey to bizarre accidents. Our little list of weird sex injuries should give you pause the next time you’re undressing that Orek with your eyes. Before you let your curiosity get the best of you, treat yourself to something that will end your day with an orgasm, not a trip to the emergency room.
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