When it comes to fetishes, there really is something for everyone. Are you into role playing as a pack animal? Does the idea of someone stomping on a Reuben sandwich get you all hot and bothered? Or are you one of those people who claims they don’t have any fetishes? (Those people usually turn out to be the kinkiest of all.) If you’ve tried some things like light bondage and weren’t that impressed, maybe you just haven’t found the right fetish. Join us as we take a walk on the wild side with the top 5 weirdest sexual fetishes. Who knows, you might just discover one that’s right for you.

I think we just discovered the hidden meaning behind Big Pun's hit single.

1. I’m not a player, I just crush a lot. Crushing: it’s not just something 12-year-old girls do when they talk about Justin Bieber. A crush fetishist is a person who gets aroused by watching someone literally crush things with their feet. Sex videos of crushing will show objects from birthday cakes to giant beetles being squished without mercy. Unfortunately, some people take it way, way too far. Believe it or not, the the Animal Crush Video Prohibition Act is a real thing, and President Obama signed it. (Feel free to use this fact to spice up boring political conversations.)

2. Now that’s what I call a “stable” relationship. Caution: after learning about this fetish, you may never be able to look at My Little Ponies the same way again. Ponyplay is a subset of bondage culture based around role playing. Practicers of ponyplay are basically humans who pretend to be ponies. As far as fetishes are concerned, this one is pretty involved. There are special harnesses, bridles, saddles and even boots that replicate hooves. There are also training techniques and a variety of roles to play. Some ponyboys and ponygirls pull carts, some give rides and some compete in shows. Of course, someone has to train and groom these ponies too. The expert we consulted on the matter took so long to explain the details that he even got a little hoarse.

Steampunk polar bear not included.

3. Oh baby! Oh baby! Do you ever wish you could return to a simpler time? Back when you didn’t have to go to work, didn’t have to pay bills, didn’t have to feed yourself or use a toilet … Oh sorry, did we lose you there? If you’re perfectly fine with wiping your own behind, infantilism might not be the fetish for you. Infantilists, or adult babies, are exactly what they sound like – grown adults who enjoy role playing as infants. Serious adult babies require caregivers, extra-high high chairs and a large assortment of giant onesies. As far as role playing fetishes go, this one’s actually pretty tame. In fact, many adult babies claim there’s no sexual aspect to the practice at all, just a need to unwind and feel nurtured.

4. The other other white meat. Have you ever fantasized about having a sexy guy or gal over for dinner – literally? Or would you rather be the main course yourself? That’s the big idea behind vorarephila (or “vore” for short). Vorarephilliacs get turned on by the idea of eating alive, or being eaten alive by, another human. Unlike most fetishes, this one obviously can’t be carried out (unless you’re a character on American Horror Story). For that reason, practitioners of vore have to resort to erotica, pictures, sex videos or games that simulate the experience. Fans of vore often practice other fetishes as well, such as bondage or macrophilia (a sexual fascination with giants). If you’ve always gotten turned on by the story of Little Red Riding Hood, maybe this is the fetish for you. Of course, intimate pictures of the Jolly Green Giant seem a little more reasonable. That’s a sentence we never suspected we’d utter.

I really, really love lamp.

5. The object of your desire. In our materialistic society, it’s easy to get a little emotional over objects. From a vintage Ford Mustang to the newest iPad, almost every one of us has an item we go gaga over. Objectum sexuality (or “OS”) takes that feeling a step further. Practicers of OS have actual relationships with objects, believing that they share a romantic connection much like two humans do. These objects can range from the small (like a fence post) to the enormous (like the Golden Gate Bridge). Although some objectum sexuals have human relationships, most consider the connections they have with objects to be their primary partnership. One of the most famous members of OS culture even married the Eiffel Tower. That’s a pretty big commitment to make to a partner that lets thousands of Frenchmen inside of them every day. Perhaps we’ve found a new spokeswoman for Paris Intimates?

Although these are some of the weirdest fetishes out there, they’re just the tip of the iceberg. We didn’t even have time to talk about mudlarking or splooshing – we’ll save those for another day. Maybe all this talk of men in diapers and role playing ponies has sent you running back to your vanilla love life. Maybe it’s turned you on. Hey, we don’t judge. Just remember to stop back and share your experiences in a comment below. In the world of fetishes, there truly is something for everyone.