Think you have a weird sex life? Unless your year involved midair penetration, surprise toe sucking and a murderous bear, you may want to check yourself. For sexcapades that make headlines, you’re going to have to really up your game in 2012. Don’t believe us? Check out the top ten weird sex stories of 2011. If you’re aiming for a spot on the strange sex list, you’ve got some pretty tough competition.

Can you be a doll and give me a ride?

10. A Flood of Embarrassment. In January, severe storms caused serious flooding in Australia. Many citizens were caught off guard, including one teenage couple who made sex news headlines with their foxy flotation device. It turns out that blow-up dolls make better gag gifts than life rafts. The two were rescued, but not before journalists immortalized their great escape on film.

9. News That Sucks. In Conway, Arkansas, police received two complaints in a single week about a man they’re calling the Toe-Sucking Bandit. The first call came from an 83-year-old woman, who was reclining on her porch when the man approached. He complimented her feet, yanked off her shoe and began sucking her toes. Days later, a young woman in a grocery store reported being harassed by a man who complimented her “long succulent toes.” The strange sex news had women from Conway to Little Rock opting out of open-toed shoes and boasting boots instead.

8. A Fatal Blow to the Head. Kasia Rivera of New Jersey is facing manslaughter charges for botched penile injections that led to one man’s death. As part of her off-the-books medical practice, Rivera injected silicone into a young man’s penis. The man died from silicone embolism one day later – a steep price to pay for a spot on 2011′s strange sex story hall of fame.

7. Meanwhile, at the Boneyard … A 39-year-old woman made sex news headlines after a romp in the cemetery landed her in the ER. The woman was getting down and dirty in the graveyard when a tombstone toppled and landed on her leg. The owners of Ahavath Israel Cemetery in New Jersey decided not to press charges, much to the relief of the woman. She’d had enough to deal with without having to pay a stiff fine.

"Well, she started it."

6. Don’t Mess With a Girl Who’s “Strapped.” One Florida woman faced felony charges in August after she tried to lay the smackdown with a strap-on. Police responded to a domestic dispute when Tamara Cadet accused Jantavia Taylor of chasing her with a knife. Further investigation revealed that the weapon of choice was not a knife, but a “female sex toy” that Taylor chucked at her girlfriend as she fled the house. Luckily, no one was injured, and no Lelo Soraya toys were harmed in the making of this weird sex story.

5. Putting the Cum in Cum Laude. Austrians gave the term “oral exam” a new meaning in 2011 when they opened the International Sex School in Vienna. One semester at the school costs £1,400, but the lessons pupils learn (and the memories they make in their co-ed dorm rooms) will last a lifetime. No word yet on whether the school offers skill-based scholarships, but there’s no harm in practicing just in case.

4. Whipping Up a FAPpuccino. For many people, 2011 was about setting goals and making dreams come true. For one New Yorker, that dream was to masturbate in every single Starbucks in New York City (298 in total). The man, who called himself Mr. PeePee, even documented his solo sessions and rated them on a blog and podcast. The public, largely unimpressed with this strange sex fetish, were mostly just disturbed to discover that there are that many Starbucks in NYC.

3. More Than He Could Bear. A Cleveland man was found dead in a rather compromising position in July of 2011. Sam Mazzola, 49, was discovered chained to his waterbed, covered in chains and padlocks and wearing a leather bondage mask. Mazzola died from choking to death on a sex toy. A year prior, he’d made headlines when one of his pet bears mauled and killed a local woman. Clearly, he wasn’t a big fan of safety manuals.

2. Toys For Twats. This strange sex story has a charitable twist. A Houston-based escort named Shelby went by the name “Santa’s Little Helper” this season when she offered a one-of-a-kind deal to potential Johns. Any “client” who brought an unwrapped present to donate to Toys for Tots got a special BOGO deal – buy one hour, get a half hour free. Now that’s what we call a hooker with a heart of gold.

The coolest people alive. Period.

1. Pretty Fly for a White Guy. When bald eagles mate, they fly thousands of feet in the air, lock talons and copulate as they plummet towards the ground. When humans try to do the same, they land themselves in first place for the weird sex news stories of 2011. Skydiving instructor Alex Torres and his partner Hope Howell may have lost their jobs for their decision to make a skydiving sex tape, but do you really think they care? They had sex while jumping out of an airplane. If you ask us, they’re all-American heroes.

It’s sure been a wild year for sex. Human beings are nothing if not inventive, and when they apply that capacity for innovation to their love lives, it’s no wonder we end up with so many strange sex news stories. If all of these weird sex headlines happened in only one year, what can we expect from 2012? Only time will tell. Until then, rest assured that even if your love life seems a little “out there,” there’s always someone who’s got you beat.